Do not read if you're easily embarrassed

I have mentioned in the past that Miró loves his bed. Meaning he humps it with great enthusiasm. Often. Tonight I was watching the latest episode of Bones on TV when I looked over during a commercial and saw him standing with back arched and that stupid look dogs get on their faces when they’re going, “Uh oh.”

I look for the source of the problem—his undercarriage. The dog has an engorged, extended penis that’s giving a bit of a bounce every few seconds. Is my first thought, “Poor doggie” or “How embarrassing”? No, my first thought is, “How much is this going to cost if it’s not going away on its own?”


I Google “engorged dog penis” and find a question on vetinfo.com by some idiot whose dog has been like that for two days and she’s wondering if something is wrong! Dr. Mike writes that the bulbous glands at the base of the penis “have managed to engorge outside of the prepuce, which makes it difficult, or impossible, for the penis to retract.” The advice is to take the dog to the vet, or emergency room, where the dog may have to be anesthetized while the vet uses traction sutures to put the equipment back in place. I don’t know what traction sutures are but the dog's situation doesn’t sound like something you can fix with a little olive oil.

It’s kind of dark in the room so I can’t tell if the glands are out or in but at least I know Miró hasn’t been in that condition for two days. It's more like five or ten minutes since the previous TV commercial. Thiniking about teenage boys and cold showers, I fetch the spray bottle used for the parrots’ baths and fill it with fresh, cold water. When I spray the affected area, he doesn’t even wince. I bend down to look. Is the swelling going down? It looks like it’s going down. He throbs again. No, it looks the same. I spray some more and wait. Besides, the commercial is long over and I’m missing the whole show.

I watch TV for a few minutes. Miró wanders over and flops onto the carpet nearby. Normality restored. I’ll keep the spray bottle handy; he probably hasn’t learned a thing from this experience. Maybe I'd better not watch Bones with him in the room.